Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
