I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
