my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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