I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
