First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
