So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
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