After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
