i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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