Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I want to walk on stilts...naked
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
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