cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
