On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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