Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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