So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
