I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
He kissed a someone with a penis
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
