hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I forget how to act sober
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
