The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
