I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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