Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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