I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
At least life still wants to fuck me.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
