I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
