You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Randomize
