I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Randomize
