I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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