Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
