the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
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