You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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