no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
