Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Randomize
