So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
