i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
