she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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