she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
