for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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