Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
