Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
