Cold hands, warm shart.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
