So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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