Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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