You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
