u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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