hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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