Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
