i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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