I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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