I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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