My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
