i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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