Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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