Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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