I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
